Take My Card...

Marketing myself is not why I got into comedy. I do it for the same reason Walt from Breaking Bad couldn’t quit making meth. I enjoy it. (Not meth, comedy).
At some point in your comedy career you will have to focus on promoting yourself, which sounds easy, but it is actually pretty annoying and horrible. One of the ways I promote myself to people at my shows is by handing out business cards.

I have always been a huge fan of business cards. When I was in high school I had my own business cards, they didn’t say what I did. Mainly because I wasn’t doing anything. On the card it just said my name and a phone number, much like what a hitman’s business card would look like. Also, if you are a hitman, you can’t be giving out cards all over town that say “Hitman” or “Contract Killer” all over it.

Now I’m doing comedy and my cards say the same thing on it (my name only). I don’t think that you need to have “Comedian” on your cards. Plus if I fail at comedy I could use them for anything else. I could be the plumber with the sweet glamor shot of my face on my card. Or I could possibly be a Hitman.

Which leads me to my last point, I don’t just “give” out my business cards after a show. You have to ask for it. I’m not a business card slut. You gotta play the game (ask for it).

I have done many shows where I would make it a point to forcibly hand out my card to every single person in the crowd. Then, once I would leave the comedy club I would see a sad pile of my business cards littering the floor of the lobby. Some folded and or ripped in half… At that point, I would sit on the floor and pick up the cards that weren’t ripped to pieces (much like my heart in that moment), or used as a place to spit out their gum.

On top of seeing the sad pile of business cards on the floor, it’s equally as sad to note that this pile is just ten feet from where I personally handed it to you and shook your hand you fucking asshole, how could you smile back at me and act nice like that when you can’t carry my card for more than 10 feet.

Maybe I should put “Comedian/ Hitman” on the card after all.

Relax and Enjoy

This is one of my first weeks on the road (that I am going to document). I am currently in Myrtle Beach, SC doing some comedy shows in a major tourist location. One would expect that there will be “good” crowds at the shows that I have all week. The word good is in quotations because I believe that most comedians define “good” crowds by the simple number of people that show up at the club that you have been hired to perform.

My first show was not a sold out show, but a decent size. When I hear “tourist type crowd” from other comics, I expect people that are generally older. I was totally right. From the back of the room watching the MC perform I was seeing a lot of gray hair or balding with gray accents. Tons of old people with their “I no longer give a shit about my appearance” clothing and accessories like fanny packs, gas station sunglasses, and sleeveless shirts with the the name of a city that you went to once (Myrtle Beach was very popular). Not the kind of sleeveless shirts that say “hey, I’m a badass. Check out my biceps.” its more of a “I’m going to air out my flabby sunburnt arms at the comedy show tonight.” Flip Flops are in abundance, I’m used to seeing flip flops around all the time because I live in Florida, the capital of flip flops in the US.

I am going to go off on a tangent but I HATE flip flops (on dudes). If you are a “man” wear some damn shoes you freaking wiener. I hate dudes that wear flip flops, I have never seen a dude wear flip flops in an MMA fight or a boxing match. No superhero ever in the history of super heroes has worn flip flops to fight crime, with the exception of maybe Aquaman, but we all know that Aquaman is the shittiest super hero of all time (quite possibly because of the flip flops)

The MC called my name to perform for about 60 people, not a bad number for the small size of the room. I go up there to see the somewhat muted comedy crowd that is the older touristy type. The seating was weird, the club decided to seat the oldest people right up front.

If you sit in the front you are a part of my experience. You are a barometer for making sure I am entertaining the crowd. When trying to make eye contact with someone in the front row, something inside me dies when I realize that you are ASLEEP IN THE FRONT ROW...Really lady, you’re sleeping in the front row? I know that this had nothing to do with my comedy because she was asleep when I started and continued to sleep throughout the 25-30 minute set of comedy I performed. I don’t understand how you justify going to a comedy show when you are so tired that you literally cannot stay awake for an hour and a half.

I guess credit to me because I entertained the entire crowd…While also allowing her to stay sound asleep during my performance, so technically EVERYONE that was in the seats of that club (awake or asleep) thoroughly enjoyed my comedy. Whether it was for you to listen to and laugh out loud with you and your awake friends or even if it was a nice ambient noise to allow you to relax and rest through night like a app on your phone that makes nature sounds.

Rest assure fans of my comedy… if you come to my show to laugh, I will totally make you laugh.

If you come to my show to get a nap. I will be hilarious, but not too hilarious that it would disturb your slumber in the front row.

Welcome to My New Site

I’m excited to finally be launching my website to share with the world. Be sure to check out my show calendar to see if I’m performing at a venue near you. You can also check out my YouTube channel for my latest videos. I’m still working on getting my podcast link up and running but be sure to check back on those and subscribe.